Walking with stones.

Its a Camino tradition, apparently,
to bring a stone from home on your journey;

a stone which you carry as you walk 

and into which you pray
your intentions and petitions.

Your stone is then placed at the foot of a cross
about two thirds of the way to Santiago-

Cruce de Ferro -
(Cross of Iron) -

and left behind as you continue your journey.

Few seem to know how old the actual iron cross there is, 

but there are hints in the literature that
the tradition itself is ancient. 

I have my stone selected.

It was made for me
by one of the first families 

I worked with in the PICU
(the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit).

It sat on my desk for 34 years;

it's heard all I've heard;

its been silent witness to moments of
ugliness,
lies,

morbid humor,
painful truths,

tears,
rage,

relief

and 

joy.

It's already tucked into 

a small space in my backpack.

I'm praying that 

by the time I place it at the foot of the cross,

I'll be ready to let go
of the pain from my work life;

 that what remains
will primarily be 

gratitude
and memories

that are easier to live with.

That's the hope anyway.

The Question

From all I've read, 

it seems to be the question that comes right after 

being asked your name and nationality - 

(No, St Louisans, not "What high school did you go to?",

although the intent behind the question 
might be similar... 

to categorize, 

to pigeonhole, 

to see what points of similarity or difference 

might exist between you and the 'other') -

WHY are you walking the Camino?

How much honesty do they want to hear?

How much honesty do I want to offer?

Would they accept - 

I don't know.

Because God told me to.

Because a spark got placed in my heart more than a decade ago 

and now I can't imagine my life not walking it.

Because I see dead people.

Because the face of the first child I worked with 

who died of abuse at the hands of his parents - 

in 1980 - 

is forever etched in my brain and heart -
along with the faces and stories of scores of others 
who have been beaten to death since then;

because back then I thought his death was an aberration - 

the type of death I would rarely have to deal with- 

never dreaming it would become a common occurrence. 

Because I'm haunted.

Because I have Secondary PTSD 

and  the broken bodies of children- 

and the accumulated sorrow of their stories-
keeps me awake at night.

Because my soul was dying.

Because I'm drowning in an ocean 
of the unshed tears 
I've accumulated

over three decades
of watching children get wounded and die
before their time.

Because I'm afraid I don't know how to live 
without being a pain sponge.

After much deliberation,

I think I'm going with

"I just retired and I'm trying to decide 

what to do with the rest of my life".

That's the truth too.

I'll save the rest for deeper conversations
with a select few 

and time alone with God...

What's in a number?

Those who know me 

know that numbers aren't my thing.

I can't translate kilometers to miles;

I don't know from sea level...

so looking at these elevation maps 

of the different stages of the Camino

means relatively little to me.

And, frankly, whether its up hill or flat out,

its all got to be taken one step at a time.

 However, looking at the first day on the trail,

I DO know straight up when I see it!

So I did what any thinking person, especially an old one, would do...

I decided to break the journey into two stages -

with an overnight stop at the ONLY refugio on the trail 

in Orisson.

Accommodation by reservation only.

Guess who got the last available bed for the night I need in April?

SCORE.

So far, so good!

On the second day - 

if I'm not dead -

I'll hopefully have my sea legs by then -

(are they still called that if you're walking over the Pyrenees?)

and be ready to take on the rest of the mountain...
OR

I can always pray that the 'Napoleon route' is closed

and I will have to be driven back down the mountain

and walk around it at the base

on the 'Valcarlos route'.

Learning the lessons of the Camino already - 

control what you can -

and leave the rest to chance 

and whatever God has planned!