It hit me like a wave...

sadness and an overwhelming sense of loss.

I was standing in the middle of the doctors conference room in the Emergency Department, 

laughing with physicians I've known for decades... 

about cases from years ago, 

different situations we'd found ourselves in, 

words and phrases we'd unexpectedly, and unfortunately, said or heard.

Tears were streaming down our faces - 

and in a moment of clarity, 

I realized mine were only partly based in humor.

It occurred to me that, in just a few months, 

the chance to be with these people - 

these funny, bright, sensitive, irreverent, talented, compassionate 

and, at times, totally inappropriate people - 

would be over.

There are so many things about retirement that appeal to me; 

so many things I'll be free to do... 

but there are so many other things I'll miss, 

so many things my daily life is built around now 

that even envisioning how life will be without them is painful to contemplate.

There are times it takes my breath away.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; 

for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; 

we must die to one life before we can enter another.

Anatol France

Dying and letting go, even symbolically, is a hard process.

There are times it hurts.

A lot.