I am not impulsive

While it may seem to my friends 

that I came home from Iona 

this spring 

with some harebrained idea 

of quitting my job 

and walking across Spain, 

the truth is, 

I've been reading 

and preparing for some time.

I don't do things spontaneously - 
not anymore  - 

well, not often.

Here are just some of the books I've amassed, and read, as preparation - 

this doesn't include the blogs I've followed, 

the websites I've stalked 

and the folks I've spoken to..

Seven Tips to make the most of the Camino de Santiago by Cheryl Powell
Walk in a relaxed Manner: Life Lessons from the Camino by Joyce Rupp 
To Walk far, carry less by Jean-Christie Ashmore
I'm off then: losing and finding myself on the Camino by Hape Kerkeling 
Call of the Camino: Myths, Legends and Pilgrim Stories on the Way to Santiago de Compostela by Robert Mulle
The Art of Pilgrimage: The Seekers Guide to Making Travel Sacred by Phil Cousineau
The Way is Made by Walking by Arthur Paul Boers
The Camino: A Journey of the Spirit by Shirley Maclaine
Women Of The Way: Embracing the Camino by Jane Blanchard
To the Field of Stars by Kevin A Codd
The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry by Rachel Joyce
Camino Chronicle: Walking to Santiago by Susan Alcorn
The Way of the Stars: Journeys on the Camino de Santiago by Robert C. Sibley
Camino de Santiago: Fingerprints of God by Paul Moylan
Flunking Sainthood by Heather King
The Year We Seized the Day by Elizabeth Best and Colin Bowles
Becoming the Answer to our prayer by Shane Claibourne
Hiking the Camino: 500 Miles with Jesus by Father Dave Pivonka
Camino de Santiago: Practical Preparation and Background by Gerald Kelly
Walking Guide to the Camino de Santiago: History, Culture, Architecture from St Jean Pied de Port to Compostela and Finisterre by Gerald Kelly
Camino Pilgrim Tips and Packing Lists by S Yates
Along the Way: The Journey of a Father and Son by Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez
The Camino will Provide: Learning to Trust the Universe by David O'Brie
A Journey of Days: Relearning Life's Lessons on the Camino de Santiago by Guy Thatcher
Slacker Pilgrim: Guide to the Camino de Santiago by Sunshine Jen
The Year We Seized the Day by Elizabeth Best and Colin Bowles
Pilgrim Stories: On and Off the Road to Santiago by Nancy Louise Frey
Fumbling: a Pilgrimage Tale of Love, Grief and Spiritual Renewal on the Camino de Santiago by Kerry Egan
A Million Steps by Kurt Koonz
In Movement There is Peace by Elaina Orabona Foster and Joe Foster
Spiritual Lessons Along the Camino by Kim Brown
The Camino Diaries by Jean Rawlings
The Way is A River of Stars: A Buddhist's Journey by Helen E Burns
60 and Solo on the Camino de Santiago by Kay Smith
The Way, My Way by Bill Bennett
No complaints: Shut Up and Walk by Emmett Williams and Jasmyne Emmerich
The Artists Journey: the Perfumed Pilgrim tackles the Camino de Santiago by Marcia Shaver
Road of Reflection by Rachel Stainer
Carrying Grace to Santiago: A Daughters Journey by Maureen Lauran
Walking with Stones by William Schmidt

So, whatever happens on my Camino,  

I can't say I wasn't informed!

BTW

Just because you feel called to do something,

just because you instinctively know something is right for you,

that doesn't always mean you'll be successful at it.

Called to be a mother?
Yes, but...

there were three miscarriages between the births of my sons.

Called to be married?
Yes, but...

there was a divorce -

after my husband had an affair with his secretary.

(Hey, it wouldn't have gotten to be a cliche

if if didn't happen 

with some regularity.)

Called to co-parent children with a former spouse?
Yes, but...
there was his death at the age of 39
when our sons were 4 and 10,
leaving all of us more vulnerable
and me with no backup plan,
or financial help,
for their care.

All I know is -

contrary to common advertising hoopla -

failure IS a possibility.

There ARE, in fact, circumstances beyond our control.

However, I also know, 

that failure and the uncontrollable 
aren't always what they seem;

sometimes, they're stepping stones 
to something better

and

sometimes

the effort, 

not the end result,

IS what counts!

So, when I say I feel called,
compelled actually, 
to walk the Camino,
there are no guarantees
about the completion.

That's NOT 'hedging my bet';

it's merely facing reality.

I can’t honestly remember when I first heard of the ‘Camino’ – also referred to as the Camino de Santiago (The Way of St James) or simply, “The Way”.

I knew it was a pilgrimage; one of the oldest in the world – right up there with the pilgrimages to Rome, Mecca and the Holy Land.

I knew you walked – a lot!
And I knew you could encounter God along the way.

Oddly enough, in the same way that I instinctively knew I was born to be a Social Worker and I knew I'd be married and have children, I knew that, someday, I’d walk the Camino.

‘After retirement’ was designated as the most likely time for my adventure in Spain - allowing me to safely file away all serious thoughts of a pilgrimage for a time in the far distant future.

As a Social Worker in a Catholic healthcare system - run by people who believe your reward for hard work will be in heaven, not grounded in a pension plan – and as the sole surviving parent raising two sons, the financial possibility of EVER being able to retire seemed soooooo remote that, for years, I didn’t give my Camino too much thought.

If I had a dime for every time I told someone that I’d never retire, that my retirement plan was leaving work in a body bag, I probably could have retired sooner.
(OK, that may be a slight exaggeration, but I said it a lot!)

I settled, in my spiritual journey through adulthood, for walking myriad labyrinths  – substitute pilgrimages since the middle ages -  for those unable to travel to foreign lands due to lack of resources or time.

I had wonderful times on pilgrimages to other locales less exotic than Spain  - New Harmony, Indiana; Taize and Chartres, France; New Franken, Wisconsin and Iona, Scotland, to name a few. (Trust me, it doesn't get less exotic than New Franken, Wisconsin)

But it was during my trip to Iona earlier this year, at the age of 63, that I heard quite clearly from God (yeah, I didn't think I was that person either) that I didn’t have 5+ more years to give to my job; my job was killing me – physically, spiritually and emotionally – and I had to change my life NOW - unless I was truly serious about the whole body bag thing.

Turns out, I wasn't.

God and I don’t talk on a daily basis.
While communication between us is daily, it’s more an” I talk, He listens” arrangement; so when he DOES chime in, I tend to take Him very seriously.

With retirement now looming imminently on the horizon, suddenly, my walk on the Camino was more than just a remote possibility.
It was practically here.

In the beginning

For those of you joining me from my main blog (abubbleoffcenter.blogspot.com), little introduction is needed. You already know FAR more about me than you’d ever hoped to know!

For those who are new and just joining me for this particular adventure, here’s what you need to know to catch up.

* Chronically, I’m old.
 Really, I am.

I can no longer console myself and pretend that I'm 'middle aged'.
I have neither the intention nor the will (not to mention - the money) to live to be 128!

* I’m retiring in the spring from a long career as a Social Worker in pediatric healthcare; the majority of that time spent working in the Intensive Care Unit and the Emergency Room with critically ill, often fatally injured and abused children.

I see the victims of sexual and physical abuse on a daily basis.
Essentially I have a job where people look me in the eyes every day and lie to me - to protect themselves, or their partners, from the consequences of their lousy decisions and actions.
This has gone on for decades.

*It’s taken a toll.
When you see evil everyday and people lie to you on a routine basis, even if you know it’s not personal (thanks to professional training and years of psychotherapy) the experience colors how you view the world, your place in it and other people.
It impacts your ability to trust.

*I’m not normal.
To quote my favorite author, Anne Lamott – My mind is a neighborhood I try not to go into alone.  
I’m extremely grateful for those family members and friends, who have accompanied me on a tour of the ‘hood' and who, for whatever reasons (or pathology) of their own, love outliers – me in particular.
My blog - A Bubble off Center – isn’t called that for nothing – it’s simply truth in advertising!

*I’m out of shape; well, not entirely, round is a shape too, I guess.
I’ve struggled since my teens with my weight and some years (okay, decades) have simply been better for self-care than others. The past decade - while dealing with work, a son deployed overseas, two jobs and a mother with Alzheimer’s dementia in a nursing home -  was not one of those better decades.
My weight wasn’t a series of skirmishes in an ongoing battle so much as waving the white flag of defeat and sinking with compatriots, Ben and Jerry, into the comfort of my couch.

I have absolutely no business thinking I can walk 550 miles from the foothills of the Pyrenees in France, across northern Spain to the coastal town of Cape Finisterre, which literally means the end of the earth.
None, nada, zip.
It’s crazy talk.
(However - see item above about not being normal)

*My plane ticket for France is paid for.
I’m retiring on March 15^th (Beware the Ides of March).
I’m leaving the Midwest on April 1, 2014.
The date was deliberately chosen - April Fool’s Day – since this may be the most foolish thing I’ve ever done.

*I’m big on symbolism